Monday, November 08, 2010

True Stories of Rock and Roll: Roy Orbison

Legend would have it Roy Orbison wore sunglasses to hide his eyes because he was always crying. Many of the great crooners shared this disease, called lacrimegaly. Some say Roy cried all the time because he had a deeply poetic soul. I hear lyrics like, “Dum dum dooby do waa” and expect otherwise. In fact, Roy Orbison was a supernatural being, a fallen angel who did not want to be an angel, or to be a demon; he just wanted to be human. I don’t know if that can be considered poetic. I think it’s just dumb. Who wouldn’t want to be an angel? Or a demon for that matter? Roy, that’s who. He certainly tried both.

Heaven exists in a realm parallel to our own.

(In her book Life on the Other Side: A Psychic's Tour of the Afterlife author Silvia Brown claims to have seen Heaven. She says it exists all around us, invisible to anybody but psychics, who can perceive its high vibrational frequency. Heaven, according to Brown, hovers exactly three feet above the ground we walk upon. Everyone in Heaven speaks Aramaic, the language of Jesus. Heaven is full of amazing architecture. It is always 78 degrees in Heaven. You're allowed to have pets).

We know Heaven is far from perfect; in fact, in the cosmic scheme, it’s no better or worse than any of the other realms.

While Heaven is far from perfect, the citizens of Heaven are obligated to talk about how perfect it is all the time. Roy was a musician in Heaven who longed for an earthly muse to help him write songs about earthly love, because love in Heaven was so boring. You’re only allowed to love God. And so your options for writing love songs are limited to songs of praise.

You can only write so many songs of praise.
You can only write so many Rock and Roll ballads for that matter.
Roy hadn’t realized that at the time.

(The only pluses to gigging in Heaven are the white guitars. You can't quite get their like anywhere else).

One day (there are actually no days in Heaven---it’s just one long, godawful day---strafed with relentless lukewarm sunshine) Roy flagged Eros on the steps of the Amphitheater of Constant Praise and asked the portly cherub to shoot him. This choice, which combines the sins of suicide and lust, is grounds for instant dismissal from Heaven. Eros couldn't refuse. No really; he didn't have a choice. In Heaven, only one being is allowed to speak the word "No," and that's God. By his own ruling.

Next thing, Roy found himself in Hell. Hell is a porn dungeon in San Fernando Valley.

Roy opened his eyes, smoke trailing from the padded shoulders of his jacket. In front of him stood an earthly angel with a darkened face, lit from behind by a naked bulb. A sultry curve of negative space surrounded by a high-wattage halo. He could just make out the slinky blue dress. The first person he saw after being hit with Love's arrow. The eunuch lounge singer and former porn star. The Blue Angel.

Coming soon, Part 2: Roy falls for a Snip Film legend.

Note: any similarity between persons living, dead or immortal is purely coincidental. That's the god's honest truth.


Anonymous said...

This brilliant, Eric. You actually made me do a google search for lacrymegaly!!

Pearl said...

Wow. :-) I love your brain.