Tuesday, November 02, 2010

I voted. Whoopdie-fucking-doo.

Face it, participatory democracy is a hassle. Why else would there be the need to give out "I voted" buttons unless it were some kind of effort. My ex came from a funny family. Her uncle calls taking a dump "voting," as in, "Excuse me, I have to go vote." He was in Vietnam by the way, so no shit about patriotism please.

I was born on Mussolini's birthday and I'm a little Italian. (I'm short and lean towards stocky if I don't watch out with the pasta and I'm a mere 1/4 Sicilian, so you can take little Italian in both ways). Maybe that's why I've always had a secret thing for fascism. Not the concentration-camp kind. I just like the uniforms, and the idea of gesticulating on balconies seems like a good time.

First time I saw Star Wars and ever since I didn't fantasize about defeating The Empire, I wanted to lead The Empire...

...I don't want to use my mind to choke anybody or blow up planets, I just want to walk around in that black costume for one day, pointing at people and smacking one gloved fist into the other. I want to glide ominously on ringing boots past a row of obedient Stormtroopers to the tune of the Imperial March and stand at the observation deck looking out upon a subservient universe bending the paths of the stars to my oppressive will.

No, I'm only a fascist in as much I tell my kids to suck it up when they whine about my rulings, or grab them by the arms and frog march them into the naughty corner when they're fucking up, or have the ability to blow my voice out into an all-encompassing bellow which doesn't scare anybody, but is loud enough you'll do what I say to make it stop.

So go turn in your ballots, you mewling children, suckling at the teat of the coddling mother that is your old republic. Do it and recruit your friends to do it too. I'm a write-in candidate. If I get elected it will be all your fault. I do have one campaign promise though. Elect me: you'll never have to stand in line at a polling place again. Oh, and the trains will run according to schedule. Now if you'll excuse me it's 9:30. By my body's schedule it's just about time to go vote.

2 comments:

Elly Lou said...

Are you running against my vagina? Wait, that didn't sound right at ALL.

Eric said...

As a Party principle we do not discriminate against vaginas. However, to a degree, we discriminate between them. Meaning we choose a single vagina with which to have congress.