Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
Anyway. I spend a lot of time thinking about "business" and whether or not it is evil or useless. I had progressed and got jobs at large corporations where I saw very smart, very cool, very creative people do amazing things together and always thought, if only they were building bridges or wells in India or something rather than selling home theater systems and potato chips. Some of these people never see their kids anymore. For what? I wonder if someday their children will look back and think "I never saw my mom growing up, but it was for a good cause. She grew the Pop-Tarts division at Kellog by 25%." I toy with communism, which is a recipe for total frustration, because good luck with that one.
Over the past 11 years I've seen capitalism at first as evil, then as an unecessary evil, then as a not necessary but realistic and practical evil given human nature, and then I guess just seeing it as the-way-things-are. Lately my thinking is more positive. Many people in the corporate sphere are trying to do some good and believe in what they're selling, even home theater systems. And then there's, you know, Band-Aids and dish soap and bananas and shit you need. I don't think the failure of communism is not having three hundred different brands of toilet paper --- I don't need that. It's having none because bureaucracies don't do a good job getting people what they need.
So, I meditate, and sometimes when I do that answers to some of the things I philosophize about during the day in my car or walking the dog pop into my mind very clear and simple and inarguable. Today the thought arose:
"Everybody needs things that they have to buy."
The diapers and band-aids and bananas have to come from somewhere. Also, who am I really to judge what people need. My ability to play mp3s is arguably unecessary but man, it adds a lot of dimension to my life to have music.
Everybody needs things, and currently, they have to buy them. So they have to be marketed and sold. This makes me feel a little better about the time I will spend helping shareholders at large corporations, many of whom are probably nice people looking to build college and retirement funds, make money. The messed up thing is, I entered the business world to make money, and I'm still not really. When I do actually start making money in business I will feel even better about it.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
A successful man is like a piece of bamboo on the surface of rough water. Hollow of intention, he floats gracefully on the cresting waves of his undiagnosed A.D.D.
Monday, June 07, 2010
I was in New Orleans 11 years ago wandering around at night and came upon a girl with a palm reading stand sitting in the dark. Nearly nobody was around, it was in the courtyard of St. Louis Cathedral which was closed up for the night from visitors or services. Side note, her face was painted white and she had black lipstick and she said she was a Satanist. Anyway, she read my palm for five dollars. Sitting there in front of me she studied my hand. She said I've had what I didn't realize were some "million dollar ideas" so far in my life. Tell the truth, there've been a few times I thought I was on to something I later did nothing with. She listed off some things about my life to come that I don't remember but one of them was getting married, which she said in that same listing way, as if she were telling me I'd buy toothpaste more than once over the coming years or have a mailbox on my home. The tone was different than the comment about the million-dollar ideas, which the way she said it sounded like she found me interesting. Then she paused, studying more closely, and there was a look of what I perceived as caution or alarm as she said "...and you'll have two kids." I didn't know what to read into that. It scared me. Would they be born hopelessly deformed? Would they die? Not so far. But that comment was another story. What I remembered today was her saying I had a long life line, but that I was very accident prone. This much is true. And it certainly extends from being absent-minded. She was also right about the marriage.
I don't know if I'm a fuckup, or self-centered, or just absent-minded. I do know I feel sometimes messily put together. When we're that way, it's the unique and creative, adaptive way we sew it all up again that makes us interesting, isn't it?
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Lydia on the other hand, still sprawled out on the bed, thumped her tail happily when I went upstairs to get her picture. She is bold, brassy and slightly aloof. In some ways the "L"s in their names were the only thing Lincoln and Lydia really had in common. Lincoln was constantly behind, next to, and around us, where she spends much more time alone. He happily went along with it when you grabbed him and pulled him close to you. Lydia will cuddle, but completely on her own terms, and she has to initiate. She sleeps in the bed with the humans, and when she's picked her spot, she seems to summon weight out of the air and drill herself down into the mattress. You kick her and push at her; she leaps up for a second and retakes the exact place.
Lydia thumping her tail on the bed.
Like a dog Lydia will eat nearly anything. Cassie, I have to lock her in a room with her food, then go in there and repeatedly pick up and place the bowl in front of her until she finally, tentatively noses a few kernals out onto the floor and nibbles at them. She won't fetch. In so many ways, I'm still convincing her to be a dog. She most often has a look of nervous anticipation and cluelessness as she paces the house (E is taken to calling her "Pacy") following you close and then stopping in front of you while you're walking, like a gate.
I'll post better pictures of both dogs later. The camera is having issues.
But she'll tuck her head into your lap when you pet her, never leaving until you stop. She clacks her teeth together when I come home and leaps up to put her paws on my chest. She stretches out next to me on the couch and we spoon. She has charmed and adopted Elizabeth. Another story, how I got her, but her breeder knew she deserved and needed a family back on the Collie farm (when her name was "Classy") because of these qualities. At last, at night, Cassie abandons all her aprehension and becomes as much like a dog as she is capable, belly up and oblivious. No longer seeking our company or approval, peculiar characteristics that are uniquely her own come out and you get a glimpse of a mysterious and inscrutable self. Like people, dogs hold tight to something of their own. And like people, the feeling in your chest of forever reaching for another glimpse of someone's secret self is probably what we're talking about when we talk about love.
I remember the boat was kind of nice. It had stripes painted on it and brass rails, a cabin below. Fronting on this canal were a series of luxury condos, and really nice restaurants with big glass windows. Inside one restaurant, which had pale yellow exterior stucco walls and trim cut from rich, dark wood, you could see big potted plants and tables with white tablecloths set for lunch. This district was like some of the posher stretches of the London canal system. The canal was narrow and the boat traveled really close. You could step off right onto the balconies of these buildings.
Apparently, the balconies were littered with diaper footballs. (Non-parents: a diaper football is when you fold a used diaper up tightly, securing the contents into a ball you can easily toss into the garbage). We got rid of the footballs by tossing them overhand into the water. My girlfriend was telling me why it was important to get rid of them as soon as possible. If you don’t, she explained, they freeze overnight and become like rocks. Homeless people throw them through the windows of people’s home and of businesses. Then they rob them.
The meaning behind this dream: not sure. Work is preoccupied with social media lately, there's a child in the house who has still been in diapers --- which tends to be more apparent when warm weather brings out the essence of things --- and Elizabeth is smarter than me. She usually has to be the one to explain things. Also, workwise, I think this dream confirms my whole mind is in agreement about being done doing shitty jobs.