Friday, July 08, 2011

I've been clean/sober since 2000 AD. I plan to be so for ever, although it really is a one-day-a-time sort of venture. That said, just once in a while, it would be nice if someone allowed me to completely wipe out my mind on a Friday evening. I'm so tired of my own thoughts.

Running the trail each morning, stopping to do some martial arts on the footbridge over the lake (if nobody's looking), seeing a blue heron, seeing mother ducks with their kids, being surprised by a deer or a turtle laying eggs on the path, breathing and moving, this all helps. In fact, besides from evenings, when I get to be with my lady and the kids, this is the most real time of my day.

Then I have to leave and spend the day in what feels like a completely anxious and unnatural state, stuck in a cubicle or in front of a hot machine typing. I started wondering a while ago what other kind of work I could do. Work that feels real and relevant and useful, to occupy the middle of the day not with pushing pieces of paper around on a desk until I am done. That's why I went back to school for something like acupuncture.

I'm meeting today with somebody who might have a lead. Possibly doing Tui Na treatments in a space at a medical office. I hope it works out. Lately I am having such a hard time with my current job. Constant anxiety over getting fired, and constant anxiety about how little I am making after taxes are taking out (I'm beginning to identify with the Republicans). I'm just being honest: mental agony.

So back to the other thought, I'm hoping to whack my mind out in a safe way for a couple of hours this weekend, as well as take a long, fucking, run. I'd run away, but I do have some good things to return to, things worth sticking around for.

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