Thursday, April 28, 2011

Dear HR Manager.

Thank you for the opportunity to apply for the position of Corporate Assmunch.

As I hope is apparent from the attached resume, I am a self-starter who thrives in environments where managers provide no guidance or direction until it's too late and I've already fucked up.

When this does occur you will find me to be a creative problem-solver who can envision a range of reasons why it wasn't my fault it was Brian's. Or the intern's. I am equally adept at creating the appearance of doing work. I thrive under pressure, which means you can expect me to procrastinate.

I never hesitate to face new challenges in the workplace: If you give me impossible tasks, I'll be the first to say "can do!" and face them head on with a strained smile, cursing you and your ugly children and your ill-fitting polo shirt under my breath, driven by spite to do a fantastic job.

I am a team player. You can be assured my coworkers will respect, value, and seek me out for the impressions I do of you and your unctuous mannerisms.

I look forward to meeting you in person, which is when the bullshit really comes to life.



dufmanno said...

My favorite day is the one where the corporate head honchos finally realize that I have no intention of actually finishing "the project" and we all go to the conference room to "discuss" the situation.
I'd like to be able to recreate the feeling I get right before the door closes and they ask me to have a seat.
That's the best!

Eric said...

I dare you to shout "discuss these!" (or "this") and flash your choice of private part in their general direction.

God, I get called into a lot of those meetings.