April today alongside this sleepy lake in the middle of the
city, where today it would be cold anywhere. But the wind
is moving toward me so the wiggling oblongs of sunlight on
the fine ripples moving toward me look like a thousand fish
moving toward me. The sun and the wind are competing for
space. And here is one of those weed-like trees whose every
leaf is designed to flutter. They're all shivering, hoping each
side can get some cold sun on it. I take off these dumb
sunglasses and everything changes so I put them on again.
Because I don't like the afternoon and that is why I am a
Spring person, a person of Spring. It also makes me repetitive.
This person over here cradles her phone under her neck
leafing through papers. That one holds her dog in her lap and
and makes me think of a small friend who died last week and
and the woman he left behind and I wish I could go to her and
and go to him and it's funny how people, well, I, hold on to
pain. How it can be so warm and exquisite. I'd rather feel
my breath catch in my throat and get shook like those
leaves I mentioned than let the suffering part of sadness go
away. Because I'm afraid it will hijack my memories. I
I am afraid to say the words "good bye." As if we ever can.
Love marks you forever like a knife across the cheek. Or
something. Not something. It does. It kills me and today is
a good day to die. Good bye small friend.
There's that dog again, no longer in the woman's lap but
lifting his head up to the wind smiling at everybody and
everybody who passes smiles at him in the same way they
would a new baby. Does the other woman, with the phone,
wish she could be with somebody, instead. I don't know. I'm
going to lie back like a dog and let the sun dig its fingers in me
because there's things that need to come out. Maybe the
wriggles of light -- jumping up now vertical and pointed to snap
at the air will snatch whatever it is away from me that made
me snap at you yesterday. But I don't want to end with a
metaphor about pets but maybe it's time to risk not taking
things seriously. The little lights on the water are pretty trivial
but they are gathering around me and I will listen to them.
My kidney hurts
There are geese overhead
An airplane roars
An hour is over