Buddhists: Have nothing
Catholics: Feel guilty about having something
Protestants: Feel slightly guilty about having something
Episcopalians: Have a watered-down version of Catholic Christmas, minus as much of the guilt and even
if you are gay
Evangelicals: Have no shame about having lots of things: God wants you to make lots of money (and
I can show you how)
Scientologists: Have a happy Maiden Voyage Anniversary**
New Agers: Have a solstice-gathering, or a drum circle, or burn some sage, or whatever you
picked out of context from the latest bestseller by "Starhawk"
Occupiers: Have a drum circle, minus the hair-washing and much sense of a carefully-defined
political agenda
Republicans: Have a good old-fashioned American Christmas goddamnit. What's wrong with a little tradition?
Super Right-
Wing Repub-
licans: Have a Merry CHRISTMAS. That's CHRIST. MAS. Period.
Democrats: Have a happy Cultural Exchange Day, fostering dialogue between people-of-faith
of diverse traditions in a non-judgmental but slightly patronizing manner
Ultra-Liberal
Left-Wingers: Same as the Occupiers, but more bathing, and a Prius, which is actually pretty
expensive for someone claiming to abhor material wealth,
as are those gluten-free organic cookies you got at the co-op
And for
those of
us in
Minnesota: Have a moderate expression of albeit stoic good cheer, and enjoy the weather
*Each year the annual Maiden Voyage event, commemorating the anniversary of New OT VIII, has come to be one of the most important gatherings of dedicated Scientologists and an opportunity for senior Church officials to meet and work directly with these parishioners to advance their religion. Scientologists who attend this annual spiritual cruise become “OT Ambassadors” and initiate programs to help Scientologists all over the world advance the aims of Scientology and to reach the top of the Bridge at New OT VIII."
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